How to choose?

You and I have 24 hours a day. Each of us gets the same—no more and no less. I can spend portions of my time grading assignments and writing manuscripts, or I can go and join my extended family for lunch or dinner. I can use the time to write up reports and prepare abstracts for conferences, or I can have a tea party with two colleagues celebrating their birthdays or go to movies. So what do I do? And how do I choose?

If I choose to relax and enjoy my time with friends and family, I come home feeling guilty that I am behind at work—that I haven’t tried my best to perform, to do my best in whatever I have been trying to achieve in my professional career. If I choose to keep working during the evenings and weekends, yes, there is a sense of accomplishment, that something has been done, completed. Yet, I yearn for connection with family and reprimand myself for not looking after me. My mind and body deserve to be treated with respect. My eyes, my wrists and my back cry out for time away from the computer screen. I also feel guilty that I am not living life as it should be, but instead making work my whole life. I am in a Catch-22 situation. Are you?

Modern men and women who live in cities lead very busy lives. We go about our business as if we are the centre of things that are about to happen. Our behavior suggests that the world cannot turn without us. Of course, we know it isn’t true. But we multitask like crazy, nonetheless.

This struggle to spend our time wisely—when will we find a way to resolve the dilemmas presented to us? Will we always feel this way until we retire? And what will life in retirement be like?

For Reflections on Nursing Leadership (RNL), published by the Honor Society of Nursing, Sigma Theta Tau International.

Fashion versus beauty

When I go to work, I always pass through a mall, because the train station is at the end of the mall. Each morning, I notice that the shop windows show different clothing. As the seasons change, so do the styles of clothing on display—whatever is trendy at the moment.

Sometimes I smile as I walk past, because I know that some of the very stylish items I have seen in the windows before, decades ago—the necklines, the hemlines, the waistlines—they just move up and down, left and right. I have come to realize that, if one lives long enough, one will see that there is nothing new under the sun. Things may reappear somewhat differently but, by and large, they are not new things.

There was a time when I subscribed to National Geographic. I still vividly remember one particular feature. A photographer, writing about the wild animals he had shot, asked what could possibly be more beautiful than the natural look of these wild animals. One picture I remember was that of a big elephant. The photographer called it beautiful. I like elephants, but I have never considered “beautiful” as the word to describe them. His remark gave a new definition to “beauty” in my personal dictionary.

Yes, the elephant was more beautiful than the somewhat expensive clothing one may acquire over the years—dresses, handbags, shoes and all sorts of accessories. And such beauty is always there; it does not go out of fashion.

For Reflections on Nursing Leadership (RNL), published by the Honor Society of Nursing, Sigma Theta Tau International.

Communal culture

I was early for my Geopark* trip with my friends. So there I was, sitting in a bakery and coffee shop in Sai Kung that opens early. Knowing I would be early, because I didn’t want to miss this hiking and boat trip that I had been so looking forward to, I had brought a book with me to read, but I never got a chance to read it.

The bakery is right outside a public pavilion where people gather for various reasons, or no particular reason at all. I was fascinated by the people traffic. I couldn’t take my eyes off the place. I saw older men and women, some with Filipino maids, using this public space as their social meeting place. Whereas young people use online social media, seniors use these physical spaces to stay connected.

I recalled the pictures I have taken of seniors gathering in public places. Then, suddenly, it dawned on me: This could be one of the major differences between aging in the East as opposed to the West.

Where in American and European cities would you find scenes such as those shown in these pictures? I would say that these are cultural manifestations of aging, differences between a collective-oriented culture versus an individualistic culture.

*The Geoparks initiative was launched by UNESCO to recognize and preserve sites of significant earth science interest.

For Reflections on Nursing Leadership (RNL), published by the Honor Society of Nursing, Sigma Theta Tau International.

Ageless attire

Do you know of any attire that is truly ageless, or age-neutral?

You’re right. Jeans. There is another one. … That would be the backpack.

I love jeans and backpacks. These items are a regular part of my outfit. They are suitable for kids, teens, adults and seniors—not exclusive to any particular age group. Of course, the occasion is important. You can’t wear jeans to a black tie event.

They are gender-neutral, good for people of all shapes and sizes. Jeans have been marketed as a sexy commodity. Sexy or not, they are practical, and you don’t need to think or feel that you are sexy in order to put on a pair.

They are just great inventions. I wish there were more goods, ideas—whatever—that would transcend the age boundary. I hope that, in the world we live in, a time will come when age really doesn’t matter that much. That would be a world radically different from the one we know now.

For Reflections on Nursing Leadership (RNL), published by the Honor Society of Nursing, Sigma Theta Tau International.

Maintaining personal space: A new rule

I was doing my weeklong clinical update in a major regional hospital. The cafeteria was always packed during lunch breaks. I tried to have lunch after the rush hour, to avoid the congestion but, still, the café was fairly busy. There I learnt a new rule about interpersonal boundaries.

In general, people (mostly urban population) maintain an invisible personal space around them, which they expect others to stay out of. The distance that people keep from one another depends upon the relationship they have with the other person in an interaction, or the context of its occurrence. When we are in crowds, this personal space shrinks, and when we are in a more spacious environment, our alarm bells ring if someone who has no particular reason to do so gets too close to us.

Applying this rule in the hospital café (where everybody shares tables as in a Hong Kong fast-food restaurant), I would expect that, at a table for four, when only one seat is taken by me, the next person would come and sit diagonally opposite from where I am (Fig. 1), thus maximizing personal space.

To my surprise, someone came to sit right beside me, leaving the two seats on the opposite side of the table empty (Fig 2). Initially, I thought this was entirely random, but it happened to me more than once, so it had to mean something, and that got me thinking.

Interpersonal rules that I have learnt in the past dictate that, when I sit down diagonally opposite someone, I should ask whether the seat is taken. Even if, because of intense competition for space during lunch, I do not ask, I should look the person in the eye, nod and/or smile. By sitting right next to me, however, the person does not need to look at me or acknowledge my existence.

I find this both interesting and alarming. Have we become that alienated from one another?

For Reflections on Nursing Leadership (RNL), published by the Honor Society of Nursing, Sigma Theta Tau International.

Little acts of kindness

More stories from my clinical update experience (see previous post) ...

I have told you that, as an observer, I did not have any patient responsibilities, so was free to do anything I wanted to enrich my learning. I was able to go around the ward and observe ongoing procedures. I could also fill up patients’ cups with warm, boiled water. Older Chinese men and women do not like cold drinks, and we always drink boiled water. I could fetch a patient a bedpan or urinal if they needed one, or pass a request to the nurse in charge of their care.

During visiting hours, I also had time to talk to them and their families or friends. I was impressed by the families’ devotion to the patients and told them I appreciated how much they cared. I have had family members admitted into hospital, and I know what it is like to have to visit a close relative in hospital on a daily basis.

Anyway, that was all I did—just little things, really unremarkable, but even within the short period of time that I spent on the unit, these patients (as an observer, I can’t call them my patients) repeatedly complimented me on how kind and good I was. It was truly embarrassing when they loudly told me I was the best. I could only tell them that it seemed so because I was the only one who had all the time in the world there, without any particular responsibilities. I told them other nurses would act just the same in my position. I didn’t deserve those compliments.

To me, this clearly demonstrates that people do not expect us nurses to solve all of their problems. Nurses are ever so cautious when patients and their relatives ask how they, the patients, are doing. Surely we can do better than just saying, “This is a question for the doctor,” or “I will let the doctor know you are concerned.”

We don’t need to solve all of their problems. They know we can’t. They just want an acknowledgment of their pain and burden. They need a moment to vent and a pat on the shoulder to give them the extra bit of energy they need to go on.

For Reflections on Nursing Leadership (RNL), published by the Honor Society of Nursing, Sigma Theta Tau International.

“A nurse must be caring. If you are not ..."

In June and July 2011, I did my clinical update in the medical and geriatric units of two different local hospitals. This is an unofficial requirement of all faculties in our school.

The visiting hour arrived. As an observer, I had a lot of time and freedom to do what I considered useful for my own learning. I went around talking to patients’ relatives. I saw this older woman feeding an even older woman and took an interest in them. It was a daughter visiting her mother in the hospital. As the daughter was giving sips of water to her mother, I asked for permission to take a picture of them. The daughter happily agreed. She started telling me that she had been on television and had been interviewed for radio programs before. She told me her mother was 101 and asked me to guess how old she was. She said she was 76. (She looks younger than her age.)

The lunch hour arrived, and I went to the canteen (café). There I met the daughter again, and we started chatting. Taking care of her mother had become her career now. She would leave home each day around 10 a.m. and arrive at the hospital well before 11:30, the first visiting time slot. Then, at 12:30 p.m., she would leave the ward and go to the café. She would sit in a distant corner until the lunchtime rush hour was through and then order her lunch. She would wait in the café until 5 p.m., the second visiting period, then stay with her mother until 8 p.m., when she would go home. She said it was her daily routine and that it was OK for her, because it was her mother.

She went on to tell me that she had studied geology in college in Beijing, that she used to work for the government of the People’s Republic of China and that her work was well appreciated by her supervisors. She took pride in the many projects she participated in, which were mainly related to irrigation and flood control.

And then we talked about care. We talked about nursing. I invited her to come and speak to my students in the coming semester. Without any prompting, she emphasized that there are a few things that are required of a nurse. “First, you must have a caring heart. You must love your job. If you don’t, you may as well not be a nurse. Second, as a nurse, you must treat the seniors you care for as your own relatives. Don’t choose this job only for the money.”

Nicely put.

I am humbled by her insights, her openness and her dedication to her mother. Yes, you need to be caring as a nurse. If you are not, you may as well not be a nurse.

For Reflections on Nursing Leadership (RNL), published by the Honor Society of Nursing, Sigma Theta Tau International.